Places I've Masturbated

Nearly every time I yerk, I do it in bed with my laptop. Occasionally I do it in the bathroom, my home office, or even in the living room in front of the TV.

But the weirdest place I ever yerked was in the Louvre. I kid you not.

My girlfriend at the time was living for a few months as a student in France. I went to visit her, and I hadn't seen her or touched another girl for about eight weeks. The first night I got there we fucked like mad -- I must've cum six times. It was the best two minutes of my life.

Aha. I jest. But not about what follows:

The next day we went to the Louvre. And as we're walking around looking at the fine pieces of art, I start getting this dull ache in my nuts. I ignore it and over the course of an hour it gets worse and worse. Eventually I'm practically unable to walk or think because my nuts are absolutely pounding.

I guess the sudden change from being sexless to having a hot chick fuck my brains out and then hanging with her all day caused a massive buildup of sperm or something. Total case of blue balls. Worst I'd ever had it by far. All I knew was that my balls felt like a couple of cherry bombs, they were getting worse by the minute, and I had to unload.

I excused myself to the public bathroom and waited in line stifling my groans. Finally I got into the crappy little stall and desperately started yerking. As badly as I needed to unload, I could barely get it up with my nuts feeling like they were in a vice. Or with tourists banging in and out of the stalls around me pissing and shitting just meters away from my clammy masturbating hands.

It took a while. I closed my eyes and re-imagined the sex from the night before. Eventually I managed to get it up, and after a bit more work I pulled off a very sore orgasm that filled a handful of tissue with a load of thick cum.

There was no enjoyment, but the pain in my balls started fading. I waited there in the stall for a few minute to make sure.

Then I put my cock away, sheepishly made it out of the stall, washed my hands, wiped the sweat from my brow, and went back out to observe and discuss Aphrodite of Milos and other classics with my girl.

More Ancient Porn

And this time when I say "ancient" I'm not dicking around:

Venus Figurines

It seems that the oldest ceramics and sculptures known to mankind, the earliest evidence of our taking control of the environment, rising above the animals, to become as god -- is likely to be porn.

Porn is progress. Porn is civilization. Porn is the birth of mankind.

No wonder I love it so.

Happy Holidays

I've been away from the posting, spending time with the family for Thanksgiving. Family and porn don't generally mix. In my family, at least.

With so many family gatherings and travel plans over the next several weeks, I don't know when I'll have the time to yerk the turk. If I'm not able to yerk, then I'm sure as hell not going to torture myself by viewing porn. And if I'm not viewing porn I probably won't be thinking and writing about it. But I'll be back at it as soon as I can.

Until next time, may you enjoy yourself. Enjoy the good life, be thankful for the friends, the family, the love, and all the plenty.

And thank god for the porn.

Yin and Yang

I watched "Full Metal Jacket" again tonight. It's one of my favorite movies, even though the ending is so sad it ruins my day every time.

So I watched some porn and that cheered me back up.

Make love not war, right?

Right on.

Ancient Porn

I just watched some ancient porn. Well, not ancient in the sense of the Egyptians -- who had very good porn for their day, but ancient by video porn standards: 1954. Silent; black & white.

It features a voluptuous saleslady making a house call to a very lanky guy, who ends up doing her. I guess this type of highly realistic situational porn started quite early on.

They get it on a bit, but he can't seem to keep it up. So the two of them play with a penis vacuum pump for a while.

Eventually they give up on the pump, at which point he hops up, runs to the bathroom and flushes himself down the toilet. This is tastefully conveyed via a playful graphic on a title card.

Porn has always been odd, I suppose.

Space Issues

Man, I have a lot of porn. Absolute ass loads. Enough to fill up the rectum of every chick who's ever done gaping anal.

Not that I'd do that. I think I've expressed my relative distaste for such things. But still, it's a lot of porn.

My laptop, my main axe, has a 120 GB drive. I have two external 250 GB drives. And I have a PC with 160GB drive, I think.

All full.

Of porn.

Well, I do have a lot of non-porn stuff too. But it's certainly more than half porn. Is that scary? I also have a DVD collection.

It's a pain because I want to get more... need to get more... to feed my terrible yet joyous addiction, but it's hard to keep up. I need to buy more drives, but even so it's a pain to have my porn spread around. I want a single drive big enough to hold all my porn, and all the porn I may want in the future. And I want it to fit in my pocket. I need some kind of porn bag of holding.

Actually, I guess a hard drive sort of _is_ a porn bag of holding. A "bag-of-porning" perhaps? I mean, I can certainly fit more naked gyrating chicks on those 3.5 inch platters than one would expect. Who would ever have believed it even ten years ago?

Just imagine a hypothetical 1000 TB iPod Touch loaded with porn. Holy shit technology is wonderful. At least until you get arrested on public transportation with your hand in your pants.

But for now, I just need more space.

Happy Day!

I've been searching for years! Years I tell you!

Searching for Hustler Video Magazine #1.

See, I had it on VHS through a friend of a friend many years ago. Back when I was a youngin'. Back when women were pornstars for fun and men jerked off with corn oil. I don't even know where exactly the tape came from, or where it went to, but I think I had it circa 1994, for just a few months. Even then it was already a decade old, but it was still a favorite of mine.

Then it disappeared. Odd how porn tends to do this.

I've been looking for it ever since; for 13 years. I searched newsgroups and online porn communities. I wrote to every Hustler division I could get an address for. But nobody had it. I found a review online, so I knew it wasn't my imagination, but the video itself was nowhere to be found.

It was devastating to my masturbation habits, because I really loved that video.

Mainly just for one scene: the locker room three-way that starts at 15:26.

The main thing that does it for me here is the little blonde's pussy. I mean, that may be the most delicious looking pussy I've ever seen on film. I could eat that seven nights a week with nary a hesitation. Also, I can barely contain myself watching it get teased by the brunette. I love the way she eats it. She goes at it with a sensual restraint you rarely see in porn these days (which I keep griping about). She teases that little pussy like red-headed schoolgirl.

I could go on, describe the delicate girl-on-girl action, then the introduction of the dude with the cock, who gets a wonderful double blowjob and then slow-dicks both girls from behind with the kind of relish you just don't see these days (and which I also keep griping about).

Sure, it could benefit from more positions and close ups, but for what it is, this is very nearly ideal porn, in my book.

Having been away from it for 13 years and elevated it in my mind, I thought I might be disappointed upon actually watching it... but I wasn't. I practically came in my pants before I could even whip my dick out.

The rest of the tape is a mixed bag: there's some awful tacky racial jokes in a comedy segment that tries to be "Weekend Update". There's a couple of sex scenes that leave me flat. The movie reviews include pretty long clips from the films they're reviewing. I remember these scenes well and I love them -- enough that I bought the film "Young Like It Hot" when it came out on DVD. But I suppose Hustler Video Magazine #1 doesn't get points for sex from other movies.

My only complaint is that the quality of this video is complete crap. It's the smallest, worst looking rip I've seen on the internet in a long time. And I frequent the low end sites.

But It's good enough to get me off, and that is always appreciated. Thank you.